


Days Without You

by himchanscutiebooty



Series: When [2]
Category: B.A.P, K-pop
Genre: Angst, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 02:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3553100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himchanscutiebooty/pseuds/himchanscutiebooty





	Days Without You

Days without you: 6

Six days. I was given six days to get over you. How did I do it? Well, I didn’t. 

Six days was an extension of what I was supposed to get. I was only allowed two days but luckily a friend and fellow co-worker of ours, Daehyun, convinced our boss to give me a little while. After the sixth day my boss threatened me into work and I had no other choice but to go. 

I surprisingly held up well most of the morning. I had a meeting as soon as I got there and didn’t even get to go into our office. I was glad that I didn’t have to go in there yet. I didn’t know what would happen if I saw your empty desk. I didn’t want to break down again. I was tired of crying. Tired of feeling emotions. 

After my meeting I approached Daehyun’s office cautiously. “Daehyun?” I said as I entered the room.

Daehyun smiled sadly and stood up to meet me, “Hi, Yongguk. What do you need?” 

I tried to smile but I gave up when my face refused to cooperate, “I was wondering if I could do my work in here? If you don’t mind, I mean if I would bother you then I could just go back to my office-“

“No, that’s fine!” Daehyun interrupted, “You can sit at Youngjae’s desk. He’s sick so he won’t be back for a couple days.” He insisted, directing me towards the other desk.

I furrowed my brows and looked at him, “Are you and Youngjae…?”

Daehyun titled his head in confusion but his eyes widened when he realized what I meant, “No! No no no no! Youngjae and I are just friends, plus he has a girlfriend.” He explained.

I nodded my head in understanding and pointed in the direction of my own office, “I actually have to get a couple files on the other offices and budgets, so I’ll be right back.” I said as I started heading toward the doorway.

Daehyun stopped me, “Do you want me to get it?” He asked tentatively.

I shook my head and stepped into the hallway, “No, you wouldn’t be able to find them anyway. I’ll be back in a couple minutes.” Daehyun reluctantly let me go and went back to his own desk when I was down the hallway.

I stopped in front of our office- my office and gripped the cold door handle. Pushing the heavy door open I stepped inside and went straight to my desk. Rummaging through some files I found the ones I needed but couldn’t help myself when my eyes wandered over to your desk. 

Everything was the same. Your paperwork, pictures, pens and other items were all left exactly how they were. Walking over to your desk, I picked up the picture frame closest to me. It was a picture of us. Our arms were thrown around each other’s shoulder and we were smiling brightly. 

I felt my lips tug slightly at the corners and my lip quiver. I would never see you smile again. I hadn’t seen you smile in a long time. That was all I really ever wanted from you. To see you smile, to see you happy. I wouldn’t care if you made bad decisions in life, all I wanted was to see you happy and not in the dark pit you were in.

Tears started streaming down my face and they dripped off my chin onto the glass frame I was holding. I vaguely heard Daehyun’s voice down the hall calling me but I didn’t answer. He would find me.

“Yongguk? I found the budget for Osaka’s office in Youngjae’s desk so I figured you needed it.” He said while walking into my office.

He stopped when he saw me and immediately placed the file on my desk and embraced me, setting the picture down back on your desk. I wrapped my arms around his waist so tight and cried into his shoulder so hard, I figured I left a stain on his shirt and a bruise along his waist.

I didn’t care. I needed comfort and I was getting it from him. His arms around me and his scent and his warmth. It was similar but not the same as yours. Daehyun was too buff, too short and smelled manlier that you ever did.

I wanted you, but you were gone. 

Days with you: 5,427

We were sitting in the school cafeteria, munching on our food. Or at least I was eating while you were playing with your food by dragging it around with your fork. I figured you had to tell me something, so I waited until you did.

“Yongguk?” You asked, still playing with your food.

“Hmm?” I hummed, swallowing the food in my mouth.

You took a couple seconds before looking at me and saying, “Jongup asked me out today.” 

I didn’t answer, acting as if I didn’t know who he was although I knew perfectly well who Moon Jongup was.

“Moon Jongup. Year below us? Short and muscly? Looks like a lost puppy?” You tried to explain him to me but I had the perfect picture in my head just from the sound of his name.

Moon Jongup, 17 years old, and a junior at our high school. He recently began to join our little group and would not leave you alone. That kid was like a lost little puppy so that if you denied him he would look like his owner just kicked him. There was no saying “no” to him. I had to admit though Jongup was quite the looker. He was buff but was also adorable at the same time, which worried me even more.

“Yea I know him.” I replied.

“So… what should I tell him?” You asked timidly.

“What do you mean ‘what should I tell him’?” I asked befuddled.

“Should I go out with him or not?” You said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“Last time I checked, he asked you out, not me. Do what you want, I don’t understand why I should have a decision in your relationship.” I asked, somewhat miffed. Who was Jongup to take you away from me?

You set down your fork and put all your attention onto me, “Because Guk, if I go out with him then you’ll be third wheeling. Also I’ll spend less time with you and we both know we don’t want that to happen so since you’re a big part of my life you should have a say, don’t you think? You’re my best friend, I don’t want anything to jeopardize that.” You explained. 

Friend. That word was like acid on my tongue. I inwardly cringed at the word. How much I wanted to be so much more to you. Why couldn’t you see? Can’t you see that I love you so fucking much? 

I sighed and thought the situation over. I was actually proud of the fact that you didn’t answer him right away but looked to me for consent about this. I really wanted to say no. I really wanted to tell you to not go out with him. Knowing you, you’d take my advice. But this could the start of your love life. Who was I to take that away?

I inwardly sighed and stopped picking at my food, “Do what you like. I don’t mind spending less time with you as long as you’re happy. Plus, no one can break up the BangChan friendship!” I laughed, desperately hoping that it seemed real and you wouldn’t detect me screaming inside. 

 

I waited for you by the front gate of the school like I always did. When I spotted you, I waved my hand so you could see me and then you made your way over to me. You looked toward me and smiled, then jogged over to me. 

“Sorry I’m a little late. I ran into Jongup.” You said, catching your breath.

I froze and looked at you mechanically. If you ran into Jongup then you gave him your answer. You never told me your answer. You probably said yes. I didn’t want you to say yes. Why would you said yes? 

“So…what did you tell him?” I asked casually as we started on our walk home.

You smiled and looked at me, “I told him ‘no’.”

I stopped in my tracks and turned to you. “Y-You said ‘no’?”

“Yea…” You trailed off, “He’s not really my type I guess. I mean he’s cute and all, but he’s more like follower to me,” you leaned in close, “plus he doesn’t really look like a top, does he? I mean, he’s too innocent and cute. I want to be fucked not be the fucker.” 

I felt my face heating up and turned away, “Too much information, Channie.”

You laughed and threw your arm around my shoulder, bringing me close, “You know you love me.” 

You continued to laugh while I looked down at our feet walking side by side and you didn’t hear me mumbled a very quiet “yea”. 

Days without you: 67

I had moved my office. I was now in the same office room at Daehyun while Youngjae was moved somewhere else due to a promotion. I was glad. I didn’t have to be in that room again. I didn’t want to see it and for the longest time I didn’t let anyone go in there and remove your things. After almost three weeks, Daehyun convinced me to let him pack all of your stuff up. He did and put it in a box. He gave it to me but I didn’t know what to do with it. I wouldn’t throw it away or give it to Jongup. I ended up bringing it home and putting it on a shelf in the hallway closet. Eventually I would look at it. But not today.

When the clocked turned 5:30 I sighed and banged my head on my desk. I could finally go home but I heard Daehyun laugh beside me. 

“If you do that everyday you’re going to have a permanent bump and red mark on your forehead.” I watched him turn off his computer and shuffle through some papers, seeing what he had to take home for further work.

I frowned and sat back up, leaning against the back of my chair and stretching my legs. I turned off my own desktop and didn’t even bother glancing at the papers strewn about my desk. I wouldn’t have done them if I brought them home so there was no point in putting them into my bag. 

“Are you coming over again tonight?” I asked him as he figured out what files he really needed although I knew he wasn’t going to work on them. It was pointless really but I let him do it, anyway. 

It still hurt. You still hurt me. It wasn’t like before. It was more of a dull throbbing that I felt constantly. Sometimes it would escape the place it was hiding in and consume me. I wouldn’t be able to think. I wouldn’t cry. I would just feel overly depressed and I had this really weird look on my face according to Daehyun. But also according to Daehyun I’m getting better because he hasn’t seen me like that for two weeks, which I guess is good.

In some odd way, Daehyun had become the new you. It wasn’t like I was replacing you. Oh, no, you could never be replaced. It was just that I needed someone and he was there. He was the only one there and I took the comfort and support he provided. He put some light into my life and I wouldn’t deny it. He didn’t oppose to it either, so I supposed it was fine. He would have said something if it wasn’t anyway. He was like you in that way.

“If you want me to.” He said, putting the papers very neatly into his messenger bag along with his laptop. Of course I wanted him to come over again, I don’t understand why I even asked the question in the first place.

“Yea, I do.” I said bluntly.

“Then I’ll come over. Do we need to stop at the grocery store? Yesterday you said you needed to.” He said, standing up. I stood up as well, grabbing my bag and following him out of the office. I turned off the light and closed the door. I could already see some people have left and most were packing up to go home as well.

I nodded, “Yea, I don’t have a lot of food left. You eat it all, you pig.” I felt my lips curl upward slightly and Daehyun noticed. He smiled brightly at me and didn’t say anything. This was the first time I smiled (although it was more of a smirk) since you left and he was proud of me, I could tell.

“Well then, we’ll buy lots of food so I can eat it all! Oh and of course the booze.” He laughed and somewhat skipped to the elevators. I wondered why I was even friends with him. Oh that’s right, because he helped dull the pain of you.

We both passed out drunk a little after midnight on the couch in my living room. 

Days without you: 152

It was another drunken night on the floor of my living room, the TV on but ignored. I downed another beer while Daehyun giggled in front of me. It was kind of cute. He was a happy drunk, always laughing. Much different than you who got loud and obnoxious. I liked you both; it’s just that Daehyun didn’t make me laugh at him but rather along with him. 

After I slammed the bottle onto the floor I was about to get another before Daehyun stopped me. He looked serious, probably some drunken confession but I waited.

“Yongguk…” He said. His voice was much less slurred than I thought it would be. We both couldn’t handle our alcohol very well so even if we were terribly hungover the next morning I could tell that we’d passed out before 12.

He leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the pain of not having a lover anymore. Whatever it was it made me grip his hair and push him further into me when he was going to pull away. 

After being sure that I wouldn’t forget the taste of his mouth for a while, I stood up, bringing him along with me. Not wanting to let go of me he wrapped his legs around my waist and I brought him to the bedroom, plopping him down on the bed. I crawled over him and continued to ravish his body.

It was all quick movements and rushed touches. I didn’t know what he wanted but I knew what I did. I wanted to forget. I just needed a body against mine and he was a willing candidate. 

He was tight and warm. It felt heavenly and his voice only made it better. He was moaning and screaming, his lovely voice sailing into my ears going straight to my groin. It made me wonder what that voice would sound like if he was a singer. His body was tanned and muscular, nothing like the slim and pale body of your own. The red marks across his chest looked great though, even if his skin wasn’t light.

It was fast and we were both climaxing within minutes, sexual frustration built up for who knows how long. I pulled out and plopped down beside him with him curling up to my side immediately. I pulled the sheets up to our waist and he kissed the crook of my neck tenderly before he fell asleep. I looked at his flushed face and disheveled hair. His lips were puffy and were slightly pouting. I fell asleep soon after with Daehyun’s head on my chest.

When I woke up my head was pounding. It was nothing out of the ordinary, nothing a few painkillers wouldn’t fix. I opened my eyes to a mop of brown hair and the events of last night came back to me. Our positions had changed and I was now spooning the younger, my arm thrown across his waist and our fingers interlaced. Instead of moving away like I thought I would, I snuggled closer and kissed the top of his head earning a mewl in approval. I closed my eyes again until the alarm clock woke us up and we had to get ready for the day, hung-over and not exactly sure what to make of the night before.

Days with you: 5,623

I watched as Jongup cornered the girl against a locker and smirk. He tried to charm the girl and she was all giggly and he made googly eyes at her. She was blushing and tried to get away but he wouldn’t let her. She eventually declined whatever offer he were making her and she scampered off, probably to go tell her friends that she was just hit on by Moon Jongup.

I watched later that day as he did the same to you and you said yes. That was the first of your mistakes.

The second was actually going through with it.

Days without you: 217

“I love you.” He said as he laid his head on my shoulder. 

I didn’t know what we were. To most people it would seem as if we were dating. But, were we? Could we consider ourselves lovers? You loved me but did I you?

“Daehyun…” I sighed while I played with the ring on my index finger. It matched the younger’s. He got them for us a while ago. He said they weren’t commitment rings or anything like that. I agreed to wear it and I just didn’t take it off. 

“You don’t have to say it if you don’t mean it. I just want you to know that I do.” He said, his voice small. Quite a contrast to the loud mouth Daehyun I was used to.

I grabbed his hand and laced it with mine then pushed him off my shoulder so we could look at each other. I felt a horrible sense of deja vu although this had never happened before in my life. Maybe it had something to do with you.

I looked down at our laced hands and how well they fit. I liked it: the feeling of his hand in mine. It was different than the feel of yours but I liked it nonetheless. 

“You know that I’ll never feel the same,” I could see Daehyun’s eyes sadden and his shoulders deflate. I didn’t mean it the way I said it so I tried to fix my words, “I do feel the same but- just- not as strongly as you do. My heart will always remain with him so if something were to happen…with us, I mean, then you’d have to know that.”

Daehyun smiled, but not the normal smile, it was more of a sad smile. I felt he already knew this information but it felt kind of good to just tell him out loud.

He pecked my lips and I deepened it. “I know, Yongguk… I know.” 

Days without you: 2,194

I figured it was time to stop being such a wimp. I just turned 40 when I realized that I should do something with my pathetic fucking life so I made my decision. You’d want this for me right? I could almost hear you cheering from the sidelines as I placed the small box on Daehyun’s desk. He was in the bathroom and I was on my way to a meeting. I wouldn’t see his initial reaction but I’d see the after effects. I just hoped they were good.

After the meeting ended an hour later I took nervous steps toward my shared office. When I reached the wooden door I took a deep breath and turned the metal doorknob and stepped inside, letting the door fall shut behind me. 

Daehyun was sitting at his desk, the small box opened and the piece of jewelry shining under the florescent light bulbs. His eyes were puffy and there were tear tracks down his cheeks and his hand was over his mouth. I wondered if he sat like that for the entire hour I was gone.

When he saw that I came back he stood up and rushed over to me, quickly wrapping his arms around my neck and he started sobbing again. I wrapped my arms around his waist and brought him even closer if possible. He was nodding his head against my shoulder and repeating “Yes, Yongguk” over and over again. 

When he looked up I had a genuine bright smile on my face, gums showing and all and I kissed him on his puffy lips. “I love you, Daehyun.”

Daehyun cried uncontrollably for the next 40 minutes or so because one: he was now engaged, two: that was the first genuine smile that came across my face in far too long and three: I had finally told him that I loved him.

Days with you: 4,976

We were 16, almost 17 when we had our first experience with alcohol. Well our first drunken experience anyway. Your parents were out of town for the weekend so it was the perfect time to experiment and get wasted. 

By the time it was around 1 AM, I’m not even sure how much alcohol our bodies have consumed and I’d really rather not find out how damaged my liver is. We were on the brink of passing out, your head in my lap while I giggled at you trying to make sense of some TV show we were watching.

“Hey, Himchan…” I slurred.

“What’s up, bro?” You almost screamed at me, while turning to face me.

I giggled again and you did the same. Everything was funny when you were drunk. “I love you~” I sang.

“I love you, too, Gukkie~” You said in the same sing-songy voice. 

Little did you know that I really meant it, but when we woke up the next day the whole thing was forgotten and the only thing we cared about was sleeping the entire day away. 

It wasn’t until a couple days later during class did I remember some of our drunken antics, especially my little love confession and I prayed you didn’t remember. You didn’t say anything so you couldn’t have remembered right? Or maybe you just thought it was something stupid to say since we were wasted? 

You didn’t say anything, so it was fine right?

Days without you: 2,584

Today was the big day. I don’t mean the big day meaning our wedding. Daehyun and I couldn’t get married in Korea because this stupid country is homophobic. We’d have to go to America or maybe England if we wanted to get married. But we considered ourselves husbands so that’s all that mattered.

I drove to a familiar spot in the cemetery and parked the car. Daehyun rested his hand on mine and looked at me tenderly. I glanced at the ring on his ring finger before looking back up at him.

“You sure you want do this?” He asked.

I took a deep breath and nodded. It was the right thing to do. It might seem stupid to other people but Daehyun understood. Its not like he went through the same thing as me but he supported me and he could understand the pain I go through daily. I loved him for that. I loved him for everything he did.

“Let’s go.” I smiled and opened the door to the car and he followed. He joined me on the driver’s side and took my hand, lacing our fingers together.

I led us to your headstone and when it was in sight I no longer felt the urge to cry. I no longer felt the tight pain in my chest. I no longer felt all the things I used to. I, of course, missed you so fucking much it hurt sometimes and I would gladly give up almost anything for you to be by my side again but it wasn’t like before. I now felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt Daehyun squeeze my hand in reassurance. 

When I reached the stone I smiled, “Hi, Himchan. It’s been awhile. I’m sorry, that I haven’t visited you but I have some good news,” I looked to the man standing beside me and he smiled, “There’s someone I’d like you to meet. I hope you remember him from work but this is Jung Daehyun, my husband.”

Daehyun stepped forward a little and rubbed your headstone comfortingly, “Hi, Himchan. It’s nice to meet you properly.”

Daehyun was now my other half and the man I loved and would love until the day I died. But you were still in there too. You still took up parts of my heart no matter how hard I tried to give those parts away. But I didn’t mind much. My heart was big enough for two, wasn’t it?


End file.
